Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
