I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
