He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
