I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
