areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
