I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
