i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
