I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
