oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
