uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
