So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
