Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
