She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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