Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I am one with the molecules
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
