my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Randomize
