He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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