we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
