There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
