I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
