Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
