remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
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