i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
