I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
