I just pynch a tree in the face
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
