Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
