Kiss
Puke
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
