My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.