Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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