Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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