That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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