He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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