matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
