I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
