I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
