my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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