Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
