So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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