Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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