pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
