i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dignity is for republicans.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
