And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
