he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Someone signed my nipple.
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