I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
