I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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