Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
