I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
