I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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