I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
