my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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