Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
