just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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