I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
