Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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