as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
