If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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