Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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