a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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