I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
