Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
