Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
