Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
