i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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